I’m in the midst of one of those weeks in which I’m second guessing my life choices. Wondering if I’m using my talents well. Or if I’m even using my talents. Or if it’s worth it to try to use them at all if I’m only able to do a middling job.
I’m skeptical of everyone, of their motives, their intentions.
I’m feeling unsteady and invisible, and I’m clutching Micah’s arm as if my life depended on it – and maybe it does. Because if I fell would anyone even notice?
Some of it is post-holiday letdown, I’m sure. Some is the cyclical nature of my thoughts and emotions. Some is simply . . . life.
So I’m trying to carry on. I’m trying to focus, trying to make sure my kids’ needs are met, make sure that I am present, that I’m the mom they need me to be. But I often find myself lost: daydreaming, staring into the middle distance, scrolling through articles on my phone.
Strangely, many of the random articles I click on seem applicable to me in ways that I’m able to recognize – even if I’m not quite able internalize them yet.
This gem from the Hairpin’s “Ask A Sane Person” column got the closest to hitting home: “Also, don’t underestimate the enormous and generally unsung value in simply being dedicated and trying hard. There are days in my life where the only thing that relieves the feeling of entropy crushing my skull is a pleasant encounter with someone who’s thoughtful and competent — it can really feel like a miracle. Aim to be this kind of person, and you can’t help but make a quiet yet huge addition to the world’s net goodness.”
Maybe the best thing I can do right now is to add whatever goodness I am able in my own small way, be diligent, be kind, be sensitive and understanding. And hope that as I do, I will emerge from this foggy swamp of confusion and doubt more confident, more capable, more compassionate.
But in all honesty, it sounds much nicer right now to go to bed and wait for spring.